I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
