No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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