Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
