I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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