Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
