Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
