How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
