she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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