i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
