i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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