My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
