I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
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