Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Dicks are not precious.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
