I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
