if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
