she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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