i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She even gives head with a lisp.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
