Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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