wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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