I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
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do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
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And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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