he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
