today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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