dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
