you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
