our cab driver is having phone sex.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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