toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
