is your mom at the bar?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
