Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
