you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
