I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
