No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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