Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
