she told me i tasted like america
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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