in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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