no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dear god my vagina.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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