Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
