true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
