I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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