I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
