I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Alive.
So much puke
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
