whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
