Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
