A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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