i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
