im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
