Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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