Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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