The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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