My nipple is on Facebook.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
