I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
