In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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