It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
