Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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