A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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