He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
