You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
