Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
