if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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