i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
