Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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